I appreciate that for the first time in my life, I'm happy because of me and not because of who I'm with.

After my therapy session, in which she was very supportive (a cheerleader), her closing remark was, “The world is your oyster” and my thought was, “awesome! Everybody’s having sex!”

I crack myself up!

Walking out the door is the hardest part for me... in any situation.

Be it, going to the store or out for a run or leaving a relationship.

First and foremost, I don't want to hurt you. I want to see you happy and loved and enjoying the wonderful thing you've been blessed with (a life).

What I want for me is to also have those same joys. However, my idea of those things is completely different than yours.

Yes, I want to spread my wings and fly. I want to explore people, places and things, especially since I'm young. Ideally I'd like to be able to do that with have one stable person in my life, my partner.

I appreciate that today I was able to get to work "early" to perform a release, then get a document written that I've been dreading.

Part of my life coach homework is to express gratitude.

I need to decide what to do for the three day holiday weekend that's coming up.

Thoughts of riding motorcycle 3 hours north and spending time with my first SF running buddy. Or riding down to Santa Cruz to watch fireworks there and stay in a hotel or with some people I know who has kids. Or fly to Indiana to visit family. Or fly somewhere else... I could fly to Oregon.

I'm open to other suggestions but I need to get away.

Consider times that there are conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced.
What I observe:
-A person lied to me
What is the impact:
-I feel disheartened, confused, furious, alarmed, Pessimistic
What I assume:
-They can’t be trusted ever again, especially with my emotions
My part in this:
-I have done things that this person considered untrustworthy
That I don't have a full understanding of this person's thoughts or reasons for doing this
-I have not told the person that being honest is important to maintain the relationship
The change I would like to see:
-The person was honest and upfront about the actions that were lied about and future actions are not hidden and lied about
-That I could express my dismay over being lied to - taking a stand for what I want/need/what is true for me instead of keeping things surfacy to hold the friendship together
-For me to get clarity around what is holding this friendship together having been lied to

Today was a somber day. Luv and I have decided to not be friends. The jealousy is too much.

Anxious state versus non-anxious state. Maybe I could start to determine the two. Just state aloud that I'm either anxious or not anxious. Anxious is different than fear. Fear is something we can put an object to - I'm afraid of mixing fire and gas. Whereas anxious is just a state of being with no identifiable object to place the fear on.

Maybe why so difficult to determine what keeps me from getting out of the house. I recognize that I'm anxious and put that anxiety to my "to do " list or packing a "safety" bag.

So if there is no object then I will just need to come to the realization that there is no threat and that I have the means to handle this threat/emotion.

Quote from a book “Whenever we look outside ourselves for security, our search becomes endless… rather than seeking security,the way through the fear is exploring the lack of security.”

Stating, I’m vulnerable when walking down the street; when I’m on the verge of losing a friend.

Last night I went to a group function where I knew no one. I realized it wasn’t too difficult to ‘go’ (I usually back out of events like this) because the Genebus dropped me off at Rockridge and then I could easily take bart to berkeley. I got there early and the hostess had no idea that the group was coming. I had some uncomfortableness when I tried to decide what to do for 30 mins while everyone else arrived. I seriously considered going home at that point. I was fidgety, afraid and uncomfortable. I was nervous that I would be the oldest person there. So I found a lounge chair in front of the dj and pulled out my book. That calmed me for the 30 mins and then i went to look for the group again. They had arrived. I didn’t know anyone but they were friendly. I was fidgety and restless and intense with trying to hear everyone in the loud bar.

I was thankful to have gone as there were many references to IU which made it kind of a weird sort of camaraderie between people I don’t know. I wasn’t the oldest person there. I smiled a lot and laughed a lot. I felt a connection with someone when we talked about all the events in SF. I let myself go a little when she took a group photo, I put my arms up for photo. I felt a little embarrassed but that passed quickly.

Consider times that there are conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced.

• What I observe:
• I am avoiding going to run errands on my motorcycle around SF this morning
• What is the impact:
• I feel afraid
• What I assume:
  • That I am afraid of going on streets that are new(ish)
  • That I’m afraid of getting in an accident
  • I’m afraid of fear
• My part in this:
• I’m a six???
• I chose to get a scary motorcycle
• I choose to not spend money on a zipcar and deal with parking to run errands
• The change I would like to see:
• That I could not delay getting on my motorcycle (getting out the door in general)
• I wish I could just make a decision and move forward instead of thinking of all the reasons to not do it