June 1, 2014
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Foggy mood
Friday night, I was planning to surprise L with food since I thought he’d be working late based on our conversation. I tried to be sly to see when he’d be leaving the office but then told him about my surprise. He said he was going to hit clubs so I didn’t bring him food and went home instead and inventoried my freezer. I was lonely and did want to see him but it was foggy and I was glad to be home.
Saturday, woke up and after breakfast, realized I was bored. It was too cold to ride to half moon bay to go to a new store that was having a 50% off sale on gluten free items. Also, I felt guilt for wanting to spend money on food that I don't need - I have a house full of food.
I tried to think of other things "to do". But really hadn't made a long to-do list like I usually do for the weekend. Nothing that seemed exciting came to mind. I tried meditating but was not calmed by that.
I was having a very difficult time making decisions. I didn't know what I wanted. Everything I wanted, I shot down (costs money, too late in day for caffeine, too cold outside, don't want to over-eat, not tired enough for a nap, not focused enough to tackle something new ). I felt like I was wasting a perfectly good day. Yoga was fun to do but didn't have lasting effects.
That evening I was exhausted even though i didn't do anything that day.
On Sunday, the melancholy mood continued even though I went for a challenging motorcycle ride. I was indecisive again even though I tried overcompensating by stating/proposing plans. I didn't want to do what other people had planned but I also didn't know what I wanted to do. I kept thinking about that gluten free sale. I felt icky after spending $100 on new shirts.
On the hour long solo motorcycle ride home, I tried to identify what I was afraid of that was causing my indecision. I couldn't identify anything.
I finally talked it out with L stating, I don't know why I'm in a shitty indecisive mood. The mood lifted finally on Sunday night when I made decision to hold on to a promise I made to help him lift a heavy object (thus giving up my plans to cook my lunch for tomorrow). I also sat in the sun and read for a bit which made me happy.
Exercise by life coach: Consider any times that there was conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced.
What I observe:
No long to-do list and a cloudy day
What is the impact:
- I feel anxious; bored; Listless;
What I assume:
- It’s because I have no direction or items to make me “productive”
My part in this:
- Did not find anything that I was ecstatic about doing.
The change I would like to see:
- That I could find direction so that this ‘mood’ doesn’t linger for two whole days.
