If the paparazzi are bothering you and you don't give a F@*#, a funny remark that my dream just told me is to respond, "Here's a report... straight from my belt!" and then pull up too middle fingers from your belt like guns and point them in the air at the reporters.

When one door closes another one opens.

... or at least a window opens.

Does anyone else get this way?

I bought two tickets to one of my favorite singer/artists for this Thursday night at the chapel thinking I'd decide later if/who to bring. I waffle with being ok with going alone and also wanting someone to enjoy the experience with. I asked one friend to go, she said no. I asked another friend to go and she said no. I asked another friend to go but she hasn't responded to me (I'm afraid I've lost her as a friend since we/I haven't been running).

I should just go alone and enjoy the time to myself. The only other person I would enjoy the event with is Luv but we aren't much of friends anymore.

I signed up for a cooking class... Alone. It will be three preparations of wild salmon and it's the same day as a company party, that I will be attending alone as well probably.

Request from life coach: "Consider any times that there was conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced."
Note What I observe:
- I am avoiding asking L to join me for the concert on Thursday night
What is the impact:
- I feel anxious at the prospect of going alone; uptight; alone
What I assume:
- That I am afraid of going someplace alone (without support)

Last night I could have used clean talk but I didn't think about it in the heat of the argument.

Today, I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and thinking happy thoughts to keep neck from tensing up and to not think of argument.

I realized last night after argument that my other friends never treat me the way I have allowed L to treat me over the years. Reaffirms that I made the right decision to break things off. Friendship is a choice and I want only supportive, caring friends in my life.
I want to hold onto this thought and hold future boyfriends to similar standards that I hold friends. They treat me wrong, they are history.

Last night I went to a talk on the placebo effect and they made the point over and over again that it's all in our head and our mind can make us pain free or feel more pain or happy or sad. Positive thinking works! I want more happy thoughts. Had to do that this morning to get mind off argument.

Happy thoughts - Thought about going to a concert on Thursday (did not think about how I asked two people to go with me and each have declined). Thought about going to jazz on the hill on Saturday. Thought about a meeting I have today which isn't a happy thought but neutral.

This morning was a lot of self care. I purposefully canceled my dr appt last, and didn’t notify people at work that I’d be in early, so I took the opportunity to set my alarm for 8am and sleep in since I knew I had been stressed last night. I made a smoothie for breakfast then decided the flavor wasn't going to please me so froze it and made a salad for lunch. Then realized I needed to make breakfast. Breakfast was delicious. Feels good to use produce in my fridge before it goes bad. I even did self care last night and shut the conversation/lingering argument down so I could get to bed and so I would stop spinning. I fell asleep fine. I had water dreams, which means I was afraid of something.

Friday night, I was planning to surprise L with food since I thought he’d be working late based on our conversation. I tried to be sly to see when he’d be leaving the office but then told him about my surprise. He said he was going to hit clubs so I didn’t bring him food and went home instead and inventoried my freezer. I was lonely and did want to see him but it was foggy and I was glad to be home.

Saturday, woke up and after breakfast, realized I was bored. It was too cold to ride to half moon bay to go to a new store that was having a 50% off sale on gluten free items. Also, I felt guilt for wanting to spend money on food that I don't need - I have a house full of food.

I tried to think of other things "to do". But really hadn't made a long to-do list like I usually do for the weekend. Nothing that seemed exciting came to mind. I tried meditating but was not calmed by that.

I was having a very difficult time making decisions. I didn't know what I wanted. Everything I wanted, I shot down (costs money, too late in day for caffeine, too cold outside, don't want to over-eat, not tired enough for a nap, not focused enough to tackle something new ). I felt like I was wasting a perfectly good day. Yoga was fun to do but didn't have lasting effects.

That evening I was exhausted even though i didn't do anything that day.

On Sunday, the melancholy mood continued even though I went for a challenging motorcycle ride. I was indecisive again even though I tried overcompensating by stating/proposing plans. I didn't want to do what other people had planned but I also didn't know what I wanted to do. I kept thinking about that gluten free sale. I felt icky after spending $100 on new shirts.

On the hour long solo motorcycle ride home, I tried to identify what I was afraid of that was causing my indecision. I couldn't identify anything.

I finally talked it out with L stating, I don't know why I'm in a shitty indecisive mood. The mood lifted finally on Sunday night when I made decision to hold on to a promise I made to help him lift a heavy object (thus giving up my plans to cook my lunch for tomorrow). I also sat in the sun and read for a bit which made me happy.

Exercise by life coach: Consider any times that there was conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced.
What I observe:
No long to-do list and a cloudy day
What is the impact:
- I feel anxious; bored; Listless;
What I assume:
- It’s because I have no direction or items to make me “productive”
My part in this:
- Did not find anything that I was ecstatic about doing.
The change I would like to see:
- That I could find direction so that this ‘mood’ doesn’t linger for two whole days.