I appreciate that today I was able to get to work "early" to perform a release, then get a document written that I've been dreading.

Part of my life coach homework is to express gratitude.

I need to decide what to do for the three day holiday weekend that's coming up.

Thoughts of riding motorcycle 3 hours north and spending time with my first SF running buddy. Or riding down to Santa Cruz to watch fireworks there and stay in a hotel or with some people I know who has kids. Or fly to Indiana to visit family. Or fly somewhere else... I could fly to Oregon.

I'm open to other suggestions but I need to get away.

Consider times that there are conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced.
What I observe:
-A person lied to me
What is the impact:
-I feel disheartened, confused, furious, alarmed, Pessimistic
What I assume:
-They can’t be trusted ever again, especially with my emotions
My part in this:
-I have done things that this person considered untrustworthy
That I don't have a full understanding of this person's thoughts or reasons for doing this
-I have not told the person that being honest is important to maintain the relationship
The change I would like to see:
-The person was honest and upfront about the actions that were lied about and future actions are not hidden and lied about
-That I could express my dismay over being lied to - taking a stand for what I want/need/what is true for me instead of keeping things surfacy to hold the friendship together
-For me to get clarity around what is holding this friendship together having been lied to

Today was a somber day. Luv and I have decided to not be friends. The jealousy is too much.

Anxious state versus non-anxious state. Maybe I could start to determine the two. Just state aloud that I'm either anxious or not anxious. Anxious is different than fear. Fear is something we can put an object to - I'm afraid of mixing fire and gas. Whereas anxious is just a state of being with no identifiable object to place the fear on.

Maybe why so difficult to determine what keeps me from getting out of the house. I recognize that I'm anxious and put that anxiety to my "to do " list or packing a "safety" bag.

So if there is no object then I will just need to come to the realization that there is no threat and that I have the means to handle this threat/emotion.

Quote from a book “Whenever we look outside ourselves for security, our search becomes endless… rather than seeking security,the way through the fear is exploring the lack of security.”

Stating, I’m vulnerable when walking down the street; when I’m on the verge of losing a friend.

Last night I went to a group function where I knew no one. I realized it wasn’t too difficult to ‘go’ (I usually back out of events like this) because the Genebus dropped me off at Rockridge and then I could easily take bart to berkeley. I got there early and the hostess had no idea that the group was coming. I had some uncomfortableness when I tried to decide what to do for 30 mins while everyone else arrived. I seriously considered going home at that point. I was fidgety, afraid and uncomfortable. I was nervous that I would be the oldest person there. So I found a lounge chair in front of the dj and pulled out my book. That calmed me for the 30 mins and then i went to look for the group again. They had arrived. I didn’t know anyone but they were friendly. I was fidgety and restless and intense with trying to hear everyone in the loud bar.

I was thankful to have gone as there were many references to IU which made it kind of a weird sort of camaraderie between people I don’t know. I wasn’t the oldest person there. I smiled a lot and laughed a lot. I felt a connection with someone when we talked about all the events in SF. I let myself go a little when she took a group photo, I put my arms up for photo. I felt a little embarrassed but that passed quickly.

Consider times that there are conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced.

• What I observe:
• I am avoiding going to run errands on my motorcycle around SF this morning
• What is the impact:
• I feel afraid
• What I assume:
  • That I am afraid of going on streets that are new(ish)
  • That I’m afraid of getting in an accident
  • I’m afraid of fear
• My part in this:
• I’m a six???
• I chose to get a scary motorcycle
• I choose to not spend money on a zipcar and deal with parking to run errands
• The change I would like to see:
• That I could not delay getting on my motorcycle (getting out the door in general)
• I wish I could just make a decision and move forward instead of thinking of all the reasons to not do it

If the paparazzi are bothering you and you don't give a F@*#, a funny remark that my dream just told me is to respond, "Here's a report... straight from my belt!" and then pull up too middle fingers from your belt like guns and point them in the air at the reporters.

When one door closes another one opens.

... or at least a window opens.

Does anyone else get this way?

I bought two tickets to one of my favorite singer/artists for this Thursday night at the chapel thinking I'd decide later if/who to bring. I waffle with being ok with going alone and also wanting someone to enjoy the experience with. I asked one friend to go, she said no. I asked another friend to go and she said no. I asked another friend to go but she hasn't responded to me (I'm afraid I've lost her as a friend since we/I haven't been running).

I should just go alone and enjoy the time to myself. The only other person I would enjoy the event with is Luv but we aren't much of friends anymore.

I signed up for a cooking class... Alone. It will be three preparations of wild salmon and it's the same day as a company party, that I will be attending alone as well probably.

Request from life coach: "Consider any times that there was conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced."
Note What I observe:
- I am avoiding asking L to join me for the concert on Thursday night
What is the impact:
- I feel anxious at the prospect of going alone; uptight; alone
What I assume:
- That I am afraid of going someplace alone (without support)

Last night I could have used clean talk but I didn't think about it in the heat of the argument.

Today, I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and thinking happy thoughts to keep neck from tensing up and to not think of argument.

I realized last night after argument that my other friends never treat me the way I have allowed L to treat me over the years. Reaffirms that I made the right decision to break things off. Friendship is a choice and I want only supportive, caring friends in my life.
I want to hold onto this thought and hold future boyfriends to similar standards that I hold friends. They treat me wrong, they are history.

Last night I went to a talk on the placebo effect and they made the point over and over again that it's all in our head and our mind can make us pain free or feel more pain or happy or sad. Positive thinking works! I want more happy thoughts. Had to do that this morning to get mind off argument.

Happy thoughts - Thought about going to a concert on Thursday (did not think about how I asked two people to go with me and each have declined). Thought about going to jazz on the hill on Saturday. Thought about a meeting I have today which isn't a happy thought but neutral.

This morning was a lot of self care. I purposefully canceled my dr appt last, and didn’t notify people at work that I’d be in early, so I took the opportunity to set my alarm for 8am and sleep in since I knew I had been stressed last night. I made a smoothie for breakfast then decided the flavor wasn't going to please me so froze it and made a salad for lunch. Then realized I needed to make breakfast. Breakfast was delicious. Feels good to use produce in my fridge before it goes bad. I even did self care last night and shut the conversation/lingering argument down so I could get to bed and so I would stop spinning. I fell asleep fine. I had water dreams, which means I was afraid of something.