Friday night, I was planning to surprise L with food since I thought he’d be working late based on our conversation. I tried to be sly to see when he’d be leaving the office but then told him about my surprise. He said he was going to hit clubs so I didn’t bring him food and went home instead and inventoried my freezer. I was lonely and did want to see him but it was foggy and I was glad to be home.

Saturday, woke up and after breakfast, realized I was bored. It was too cold to ride to half moon bay to go to a new store that was having a 50% off sale on gluten free items. Also, I felt guilt for wanting to spend money on food that I don't need - I have a house full of food.

I tried to think of other things "to do". But really hadn't made a long to-do list like I usually do for the weekend. Nothing that seemed exciting came to mind. I tried meditating but was not calmed by that.

I was having a very difficult time making decisions. I didn't know what I wanted. Everything I wanted, I shot down (costs money, too late in day for caffeine, too cold outside, don't want to over-eat, not tired enough for a nap, not focused enough to tackle something new ). I felt like I was wasting a perfectly good day. Yoga was fun to do but didn't have lasting effects.

That evening I was exhausted even though i didn't do anything that day.

On Sunday, the melancholy mood continued even though I went for a challenging motorcycle ride. I was indecisive again even though I tried overcompensating by stating/proposing plans. I didn't want to do what other people had planned but I also didn't know what I wanted to do. I kept thinking about that gluten free sale. I felt icky after spending $100 on new shirts.

On the hour long solo motorcycle ride home, I tried to identify what I was afraid of that was causing my indecision. I couldn't identify anything.

I finally talked it out with L stating, I don't know why I'm in a shitty indecisive mood. The mood lifted finally on Sunday night when I made decision to hold on to a promise I made to help him lift a heavy object (thus giving up my plans to cook my lunch for tomorrow). I also sat in the sun and read for a bit which made me happy.

Exercise by life coach: Consider any times that there was conflict, that you did not feel you trusted someone, or you avoided someone/something or acquiesced.
What I observe:
No long to-do list and a cloudy day
What is the impact:
- I feel anxious; bored; Listless;
What I assume:
- It’s because I have no direction or items to make me “productive”
My part in this:
- Did not find anything that I was ecstatic about doing.
The change I would like to see:
- That I could find direction so that this ‘mood’ doesn’t linger for two whole days.

While cleaning today I found notes from my first love. He never had trouble with telling me his feelings.

What a fantastic day today has been.

It started with waking up naturally at 8am from a restful night sleep because I left my phone in the living room the night before. Then took a 3.5 mile walk with a friend to go to my favorite breakfast place in the city where I indulged in oatmeal pancakes, eggs, bacon and gluten free toast. On the way there, I tried to stop by Philz for a decaf coffee but the line was too long and figured we could go in Noe anytime since she hasn’t tried their coffee.

Also on the walk to brunch, we saw the tents being set up for the Carnival festival in the Mission and stopped at a donut place that has crazy flavors like passion fruit chocolate. My friend, Lisa, hasn’t been in the city long and since she may have not checked out this place before so I wanted to give her the knowledge/experience. Funny thing, I was the one ending up getting a donut!! They had gluten free donuts (fried in the same oil as the regular ones) so the carrot cake gluten free was put in my bag for later.

We meandered through the streets, ending up walking up Mariposa from Folsom and coming to a dead end. Instead of taking the route I usually take, we headed up a spiral walking path that led to a bridge across 101 with a cute garden on the other side. This allowed me to show her the main strip of Potrero which was packed with hungry brunchers.

After brunch, we parted ways and I found myself wandering to Sportsbasement to check out walking/hiking shoes that covered my ankles so they could also be used for motorcycle riding protection - thus leaving a pair of shoes at home when going someplace remote and then hiking. These are my top pick right now.

Along the way, I stopped by an O’Reilly’s auto store for a tire gauge that has a hose but once inside I recalled that I had been there before and they do not have what I am looking for.

I put off buying the shoes at sports basement and to walk the few blocks to check out if they have the same shoes at REI since I have a 20% off coupon. They had the same shoe but in an unfavorable color and not in my size. They were having a big sale throughout the store because of the holiday on Monday and I picked up a half dozen items... then put it all back on the shelf. I’m getting good at telling myself that "I already have items like these", "I already have enough items like these" and "I can work with what I have for a little bit longer”. I walked out empty handed. Shopping makes me depressed.

I thought it was time to head home so started walking that direction but stopped into the StrEATfood Park (a park full of food trucks) and a football game was going on (Real Spain verse Spain). The place was packed and sangrias were bottomless till 4pm. I settled for an Arnold Palmer and a quiet corner in the sun with hanging upside-down light bulbs turned into vases, to rest.

There was an estate sale just a half block away so I wandered through it, but it was the estate of a very old person who used their things till they were worn through and of the fashion of a century ago. This direction led me to go into Cycle Gear to get… you guessed it! A tire gauge with a hose. Boom! and it was on sale.

In line, the person in front of me was purchasing a jacket and helmet and was new to riding and the area. As I was leaving, she was packing her stuff onto her bicycle and I stopped to chat with her about her experience riding and asked if she had anyone to ride with. She is new to SF (4 months), has been riding a very short period, and only had some dudes at work so I offered my card to her. Maybe I’ll hear from her - my current riding gal pals aren’t into riding anymore; one is selling her bike (and might get a new one) and the other has put her bike on a non-operational registration. =(

Leaving that exchange I realized that I truly get kicks out of showing people new things. Showing Lisa Philz and the donut place, and perhaps helping this new rider to get more comfortable on the bike and to explore new places. Must ponder this a little more to see if there is a career laden in there.

Walking home and towards a chocolate shop that Lisa works at, I ran into the Carnival at 16th street which was bustling and booming. Inside, there were street vendors and food vendors galore. Music every two blocks, free samples and topless women (just a few) that I wondered if they knew about the new no nudity law in SF. It was vendors on both sides so a loop was a must to see all of it. I started down one side and it kept going and going and going, all the way to 24th. I looped back but ended up on 22nd to head home.

Walking up 22nd from Harrison was a new experience for me. I ran into the Urban Putt and made a pit stop while checking out the indoor putt putt place. For $12, I may have to make a night of it one night.

At home, I wanted to sit outside in the sun with my cat and enjoy a good book so I packed up a picnic, my book, a blanket and went out back to sit and my cat. Once out there, I realized it would be a quick outing. Phoebe was chewing on all greenery possible (I am expecting it to come back up in my apartment later) so she needed an eagles eye on her, it was not sunny and my other cat, Bubbles, was screaming at the top of her lungs inside my apartment because her sister was gone.

All throughout this, I did not get on the internet once. For the last 8 hours, I have not texted anyone and did not look at any emails. I wrote one email, but it has not been sent because this entire time my phone has been on airplane mode it will send once I turn airplane mode off. Sitting here, in my apartment, writing this on my computer that has no internet connection at the moment, I can _hear_ the ding of my phone when I get a text message even though it’s on airplane mode.

I am grateful for the silence.

I am grateful for the space to think without distraction or wondering if anyone has emailed me or has anyone posted to Facebook. The world continues to turn without knowing whats going on on Facebook and people on FB don’t need to know what I’m doing every second of my day.

The goal is to live a more light an airy, playful, happier life.

I recalled the 'perfect' happy day in my world. It involves little human interaction.

I wake up naturally on a Saturday, roll out of bed, and make a creative, delicious pancake breakfast. Then stroll down to the farmers market, where I meander and do as I please, taking in all the sights and sounds and smells. I may send a photo text here and there when something reminds me of a person. Then I would meander my way through the city, stopping to look at whatever caught my attention, and being sure to stop and take in the great views.

I only have to look after myself; I have no pressure to act a certain way or be a certain way or end up in a certain place or be thinking of where to go/what to do next. My mind would wander to funny thoughts and creative thoughts. Maybe I'd pick up a hula hoop at the street fair and just let loose.

This is my happy place. Single, alone, exploring.

The goal is to take that and include people in it. And eventually include a significant other in it.

Tonight, at the Cisco Live appreciation concert, I did a little of that. It was a low stress night, and I didn't worry too much about anything.

Quote of the day

"When I get sad, you don't get sad back. And when I get happy, you don't get happy back. It's like I'm happy alone. Sort of like drinking alone. It's just not as fun as with friends."

Panic attacks are not enjoyable. These may not be them but the weight upon my chest at times and the inability to focus are tell tale signs that I am emotionally hurting.

The attacks pop up at odd times, During Simple tasks like cleaning the bathroom mirror or riding on the train and take my breath away. Yet I can run 7 miles with ease.

I was useless at work on Monday and grateful for the conference yesterday. Today I have been more productive but must be mindful otherwise I stray.

Stray to my first lost love
Stray to my last Luv.
Stray to the activities that id like to have done before family arrives on Friday.
Stray to pictures of good times and even bad (though I smile in both).
Stray to thinking it's time for something drastically new like a hair cut and dyed to red.
Stray to wanting to find something or someone to connect with but left empty when I look at my phone.
Stray to the pain in my back that has brought me to tears bc nothing I do seems to fix it.
Stray to what went wrong with Luv and and I. am I destined to be alone? Am I that horrible of a person?
Stray to future adventures like the races in the fall and tango in Argentina.
Stray to wondering what's my purpose.

So I strayed. I strayed to my favorite place. In the sun, on the grass.

Someone said that they must go ponder their failure as they spoke about their recently ended relationship. I've never taken such accountability for a relationship ending, but surely I've done my wrongs in the relationship... we are human after all.

To collect the "should have" or the "this would have been a better action to take", may be good to do, especially written down on paper so the next relationship can benefit.

My part of the failure:

• Could have been more vocal with my intentions
• Could have had lengthier discussions about my wants and desires instead of mentioning once and going and and doing
• Share more intimacy, in bed and out
• Go on more dates
• Balance - support myself - less roller coaster

I don't like the blame game, but maybe I should give myself some constructive criticism.

Today was my first astrology reading. I've had psychic reading on my bucket list for awhile and this person was recommended. It wasn't a psychic reading but in my mind may be more useful than a psychic reading.

She covered my natal chart and north node in Leo. It was 2.5 hours and she'll provide me with the recording of the session later. Since it was a crash course, I will have lots to sleep on tonight (digest) or as the French say "sleep with tonight".

Mainly, what she explained is that my nature (and where I will find my fiery passion) is in becoming deeply intimate with myself and then with one other person. Once I achieve that, then career and all other parts of my life will fall into place naturally. My comfort zone is to gather resources (money) but I will never been fully satisfied with that. To really light my Aries fire and tap into my Fire Trine, I need to find joyful/playfulness and tantra-deep intimacy.

“the universe is encouraging you to play up your North node sign traits in these areas of life. Consider the following: bond with another person and experience real intimacy. You may even meet a kindred soul that feels like a "soul­mate." Become open to accepting the resources, or even the moral support that others give you. Learn to deal with issues”

She mentioned a lot that I’m very spiritual and even psychic based on my natal chart. That I should meditate often. That my psychic abilities could come through in my dreams.

"Major lifestyle transitions can happen. You'll discover that drastic changes beyond your control often bring rejuvenation to outworn situations and therefore, a new lease on life. Pay attention to your dreams; they often contain psychic insights that can be pertinent to waking life scenarios. Keep a dream journal by your bedside to record impressions upon waking."

"Jupiter in the 9th House: “”Jupiter (to expand) in the House of Mind Expansion
You are lucky when it comes to higher education, foreign travel and with philosophy. You may travel far and wide, seeking the advice of foreigners, or those with quite different backgrounds. You have psychic ability: vivid dreams and inspirations. You may study occult or religious matters. You could use this skill to help others and to guide them in their lives. You may be involved in conventional education as a professor. You could also be involved in religion, such as the established church. You may use your abilities to be involved in legal work, especially where it involves the theory of law and the drafting of legislation."

My sun sign is in the house of communication, along with mercury.... I find this ironic and will have to explore this a little more.

"Mercury in Pisces indicates a gentle communicator that receives her information in unique and mystical ways through a Universal stream of consciousness. Mercury is very at home in the 3rd House of Communication. Mercury sextiles, or is in harmony, with Chiron in Taurus. Chiron here is retrograde meaning that there is an unresolved past life issue regarding being the fullest expression of Chiron in Taurus in the House of Creativity. Chiron in Taurus shows how your life embodies a search for values on the physical plane, and it becomes critically important for you to identify what is right or wrong, permanent or ephemeral. Chiron in the 5th House says to have great fun, make gathering information fun and help others to heal their creativity. These two planets (Mercury and Chiron) are pointing the way to your MidHeaven: your highest career aspirations through combining Soul/Spirit and all your natural gifts, talents and passions. This Finger of GOD is pointing the way saying use your Soul gifts of Cosmic Communication and have fun with healing through Creativity and Passions for self and others!"

Some of it made me think of my enneagram six. The opposite of my sun house is Libra.... but also Jupiter and saturn. Jupiter (to expand) and Saturn (to control/focus) are opposites and it's in conjunction with the sign libra which is the scales/balance. So the two opposites reminded me of my many polar opposite personalities and libra is trying to find the balance in that. Also, my sun is arm and arm with Mars (man) and Venus (woman), so the two sides are ying and yang (the masculine and the feminine).

"Triple conjunction of Venus, Sun and Mars: The Sun intensifies here! Your sense of discrimination and innate good taste means that you recognize true quality and are a connoisseur of all that is fine and beautiful. You are a born doer, with an incredible drive to accomplish and achieve in life. Your ambitions are backed up by the will to get things done. You can be very impulsive, and others might find you a bit too aggressive. You try hard and you always push on toward whatever goals you have in mind. You have a natural appreciation for action and energy, and probably love sports and an active life. Sex is important to you. You are often moved to pursue your desires, and have a great appreciation for life."

Another section that made me think of my enneagram:

"Saturn in Libra: “Saturn (to control) in Libra (Diplomatic and Harmonious)” In Retrograde
Saturn in Libra: you are diplomatic, tactful, and you have balanced judgment which inspires trust. There is a need for you to cooperate and share in harmony, patience, and love with other people. Marriage or partnerships may be restricting, requiring hard work and discipline so that you may learn the lessons of cooperation rather than competition. Marriage and partnerships give you a sense of security and for that reason you seek them out. You may marry for practical reasons, for money, or to someone a lot older or younger. Various possibilities exist with this position. You may take great trouble to find a mate who is able to demonstrate a similar integrity, and thus marry at a later age than most, or you may choose an older partner or a contemporary who is apt to be austere or undemonstrative. A desire for perfection may make you too demanding in the marriage or your view of marriage may be too conventional or old­fashioned. If Saturn is badly aspected, then you may be cold or regard marriage as a yoke with which you do not care to burden yourself. Or lastly, you may tell yourself that you will never find a partner who will measure up to your requirements. You seek control in a diplomatic and harmonious way in relation to others, particularly in one­to­one relationships. You may make rules about your relationships, and feel guilty when they are broken, by you, or the other person. And you must have a partner in order to feel good. The fear of losing a partner may limit you. You can use partners simply for appearnace without being deep or committed. You seek to continue relationships, however."

This was first two paragraphs of document she provided. These are the first two things she looks at when viewing the natal chart.

“WESTERN HEMISPHERE: Dominant
Your interactions with other people take on a paramount role in your Life. You value both your personal relationships, and the interactions of the human race. You have a gift for mediating in your relationships, as you possess insight into the nuances of relationships. You learn most about yourself in the context of your relationships. You need to make sure you are not engulfed in stifling relationships."

When I read be “sure you are not engulfed in stifling relationships”, I thought this included most of my relationships.... except my friendship with Jason. He was the only one I could be silly with and not be criticized for it.

"First Quadrant: Dominant
First Quadrant refers to the development of self­identity. This is where you are developing the "self," which is represented in the First House; your money, possessions, morals and values in the Second House; and your communication style and early learning in Third House. This quadrant represents self­development and self­concern. You see yourself as an independent individual, capable of organizing your own Life. At times you may be self­centered and may have a difficult time admitting it. The planets in this quadrant will highlight the areas of life in which you desire to express yourself."

And my aries nature falls right in line with what's been provided as feedback to me:

“Aquarius Sun: The Sun (to integrate) in Aries (energetic and urgent). You bring great energy and enthusiasm, and have a sense of urgency about organising your life. You are a powerful starter of things, but might not be so good at seeing them through to their conclusion (cardinal). You are however enterprising and never short of ideas (cardinal). You tend to be self centred (I am) and to forcefully (fire) seek your goals, without taking into account how others might react. You are persistent, but you may give up if you do not attain your goals quickly."

I asked her about my self-centered Aries and how I was supposed to end my journey in Picese (humanitarian). She said to not worry about the self-centered and strong bull because I have a lot of caring in my chart so I will not become arrogant.

I'll leave you with more information about my north node and how I am supposed to act - like a lioness!

"“The Spiritual Queen-”-- Proud, regal, dramatic, and a leader, those who have the sign of Leo representing their Soul Potential honor and respect themselves, are inspirational, and have a powerful presence. They are joyful, spontaneous, and playful, yet they can be sophisticated in leadership and teaching others to do the same. Archetypes: the actor; the leader; the child; the inspired commander; the sun; the Lion/Lioness.

North Node Leo 8th House/ South Node Aquarius 2nd House: Give yourself permission to shine. Discover that it's O.K. to be in the spotlight. Learn to accept praise and recognition for your achievements. Develop a healthy self-esteem and work on believing that you can accomplish your goals. Pay attention to what your inner child wants to do and then go for it. Play, create and follow your heart's desire. Take some calculated risks just for the fun of it.

The universe is encouraging you to play up your North node sign traits in these areas of life. Consider the following: bond with another person and experience real intimacy. You may even meet a kindred soul that feels like a "soul-mate." Become open to accepting the resources, or even the moral support that others give you. Learn to deal with issues concerning inheritance, or your partner's finances. Major lifestyle transitions can happen. You'll discover that drastic changes beyond your control often bring rejuvenation to outworn situations and therefore, a new lease on life. Pay attention to your dreams; they often contain psychic insights that can be pertinent to waking life scenarios. Keep a dream journal by your bedside to record impressions upon waking."

*Emphasis is my addition

Excerpt that I relate to from Enneagram Institute: "It is also important to understand that while Sixes are emotional, they do not show their emotions directly—as Twos do, for example—even to those they are closest to. Similarly, Sixes are seldom sentimental, preferring to take a less "rose-colored" view of people and the world. Most healthy to average Sixes are, however, fairly clear about what they feel about things. They know who they love and who they dislike. They are uncertain about what they think about things, and they are especially uncertain when it comes to deciding what to do about their feelings. Because of this uncertainty, they become afraid of taking the wrong action or sending the wrong signal. Their minds turn round and around with conflicting thoughts about what they should be doing while they simultaneously try to figure out what the others in their lives are really up to. Consequently, ambivalence toward both themselves and others causes them to give mixed signals. Or, to put this another way, Sixes react to their feelings—particularly anxiety—and communicate their reactions rather than their feelings. "

I push away for a few days and feel confident, independent, calm, in control. People probably view me as cold, distant.

Then, a few days later, I crave touch, and connection.